Smoking a piece of meat is something that everyone should know how to do. Below, you will find the best damn guide around to correctly smoking a beef brisket. Plan on giving yourself a good 24 hours to complete your task.

First things first, get yourself to a proper butcher shop and get a nice, fatass, untrimmed piece of beef brisket. Quality meat is key here, which is why you need to get this shit from a decent butcher shop and not your run-of-the-mill fucking grocery store.

Once you have a solid 10 to 20 pound brisket, take that shit out and rinse it with some water, pat it dry and place it on a bigass cutting board.

So now you’re sitting here staring at this huge fucking slab of beef and thinking, “What the fuck have I gotten myself into.” Well buck up, and don’t be intimidated by a piece of delicious dead cow.

Now that you’re confidence is restored, and you’re done being a little bitch, it’s time to start prepping the brisket. Remove any loose pieces of meat or fat with a nice carving knife — not some Farberware piece of shit you got for $2 at Walmart.

Next, you’ll need to rub that bad boy down with some good ole dry rub. You keep that fucking BBQ sauce away from this shit or I will find you. Don’t fear touching the meat here. Roll those sleeves up and get in there nice and deep like. A nice basic dry rub should include:

• 2 tablespoons kosher salt
• 2 teaspoons coarse black pepper
• 2 teaspoons paprika
• 1 teaspoon oregano
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder

With your meat rubbed down nicely, wrap it up in some aluminum foil and put that shit in your fridge until tomorrow. Before you smoke it, your brisket needs time to rest and become infused with the rub, so get away from your fridge and leave your meat alone.

Flash forward to the next day. Congratulate yourself for not touching your meat for 8 hours and get ready to start smoking it.

Now you need to prep the smoker. If you have a gas grill, put that shit out by the curb with a sign on it that reads, “Free to good home. I am useless,” because gas grills are shit and you need charcoal to do this the fucking right way. Seriously. What were you thinking?

You’re going to need a lot of charcoal here because this is going to take a long time. The key here is keeping your smoker at roughly 225 degrees for a little over an hour per pound.

Fill your grill’s firebox with some decent fucking charcoal and keep a charcoal chimney on hand for when it gets low. Get the smoker up to 225 degrees and keep that shit there.

For the actual smoking portion, you want a good supply during the initial stages of your cooking. Some bigass chips or chunks of hickory or oak will add the best flavor. Put these on top of your charcoal and keep adding that shit as it burns down for the first few hours.

Since the grill is now ready for your meat, go get that bitch out of the fridge and unwrap that rascal. Place your brisket fat side up on the grill.

This is a good time to take a step back and grab a nice cold beer, but put that fucking light beer shit back in the trash where it belongs and make sure the next beer you grab is something of decent fucking quality. Preferably a stout or porter. You’ll want to then add some oil and your dry rub spices with your beer into a bowl and mop the meat with this mixture when you rotate it.

After enjoying some sips of your well-deserved beer (or whatever beverage you like to reward yourself with), you’re probably gonna start fretting about when you should flip that fatass hunk of beef. Don’t. You should only rotate your brisket about every two hours.

Now that your meat’s been smoking for the allotted time per pound, check the internal temperature to see if it is at about 180. If so, remove it from the smoker as it hits about the 190 mark and wrap it in aluminum foil.

Next you will want to take your wrapped meat and stick it in a cooler for 30 minutes and allow it to rest.

Congratulations you meat-smoking son of a bitch. You just cooked one of the best-tasting cuts of beef around. Slice that shit up into thin pieces, starting by cutting back the fat layer on top, and working from the thinner end of the brisket to the fatter end.

Tell your friends and family to enjoy, but keep that god damn A1 sauce away from your perfectly prepared brisket or they can have microwave meatloaf instead.